[duskuela]

Good-bye Party

Inside it’s sticky hot and the jaundiced light is blanketing our
stubbly legs down to our twisting feet,
our heels are pounding the
floor cause tonight we are the beat of our drum
as guitar melodies amble rain bounces off the Styx,
and all of us are spinning with the swirling stems thrust into the
storm by this laughing wind
and don’t cringe when the glittering confetti leaves sneak through the windows,
attack our hair,
crumble into our minds;
and us two crawl off to the trees so we can tangle our knees and defy
those crisping leaves,
and maybe the others grab some looming stars and climb (back to
parents crumbling homes) on intimate celestial monkey bars or-
maybe they finally invite in the rain;
but we lay here and let rotting leaves bury us,
brown pine needles cushion us,
because we know that our eyes must fall dark and our voices flat
and we’ll cross the river;
so this is goodbye.

[duskuela]

If at all possible, I'd like ideas on how to make this clearer. I was thinking about dividing the poem at the part where the speaker and her (my ;P) partner branch off from the party. Because that's where this huge shift in mood happens. Sound good?

I wanna make sure I'm not overanalyzing this and just going to make this worse, heheh.
Also, is the sarcasm/cynicism implied by the sing song rhyme bits at the end clear to you d00ds?

[sumadii_kari]

Whoa, that was intense, i loved every word of it gurl you are good!!! Where in the h did you learn to write like that???!!!!!lolz, nice job

[obese]

"as guitar melodies amble rain bounces off the Styx,"

That line just made me all happy inside, don't know why, it just did.

As always Cat, you've made a masterpiece: a stunning, beautiful piece of work that would be admired by all. I truly have no critique, but a hell lot of praise.

Your words were alluring, the flow outstanding, and the pictures that formed in my head were pictures of marble. I don't think that you could ever write anything bad, no matter what, it would just be added to that long list of masterpieces you have under your name.

[duskuela]

sumadii_kari wrote: Whoa, that was intense, i loved every word of it gurl you are good!!! Where in the h did you learn to write like that???!!!!!BRAAAINSz, nice job

Thanks! : D Haha, I just spend too much time reading and spacing out. You know how it is, I'm sure.

Dylan!!!! wrote: "as guitar melodies amble rain bounces off the Styx," That line just made me all happy inside, don't know why, it just did. As always Cat, you've made a masterpiece: a stunning, beautiful piece of work that would be admired by all. I truly have no critique, but a hell lot of praise. Your words were alluring, the flow outstanding, and the pictures that formed in my head were pictures of marble. I don't think that you could ever write anything bad, no matter what, it would just be added to that long list of masterpieces you have under your name.

: DDDDDDDD

I don't even know how to respond to that. Thanks, seriously. I'm going to have to copy that down somewhere later so that I can remember it and not feel crap about my writing, bahahaha. You know how to complimennnnt a person. Thanks muchly boyfran.

[duskuela]

Bumparoo cause I'm annoying.

[obese]

How do ya think I became friends with Zay, Indy, Asha, and others.


More readers will come...I will make sure of that. *evil laughter.*

[duskuela]

Bahaaha. :3
I'm actually fine if no one else reads this one. Usually with my stories I get upset, but I think that I've resolved most of the things that def needed revision so... Meh. I can retire this one to my sketchbook and be happy.

[amazing_zia]

Incredible. WC is desperately in need of more talent like yours. ^-^

[jonie-liplock]

Amazing.