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Old 3rd May 2013   #1
coke-lore
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Default Space Date & Other Assorted Tales

A Note From The Author
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C&C will not be taken seriously here. This is a tale of sheer BS for making the lulz issue forth from your precious little self. Without further ado, I give you part one of...

SPACE DATE & OTHER ASSORTED TALES

Part One: Concerning Timinon and Katzan

Deep within the largest station on the planet Uranus, two strangers have agreed to choke down bad coffee and make small talk in a godawful ritual known as The Blind Date.

“By the stars, this coffee is hot!” Timinon exclaimed, which was quite difficult to do with scalding hot coffee in his mouth. It dribbled down his chin in a very unattractive manner. But was there even an attractive way for one to dribble a beverage- hot or cold- down their own chin?

Katzan made note of this question, and with no consideration for Timinon's sensitive man-feelings, lifted her hand to her mouth. Where a bunch of flesh and bones should have been was a simple implanted device with a receiver, a speaker, and a wifi card that could pick up signals from Earth, were it not for that unfortunate accident in 2064 that left the entire planet a smoldering heap of garbage spinning on a path of self-destruction... (Actually, it was always that, but after 2064 it was, like, way worse.)

She cleared her throat and spoke into the device. “Is there such a thing as an attractive way to dribble a beverage- hot or cold- down your chin?”

“No,” replied a stoic, female voice from a small speaker where Katzan’s thumbnail should have been. “There is not. The dribbling of beverages- hot or cold- down ones chin is typically reserved for babies and men who drink vast quantities of alcohol.”

Timinon coughed nervously, his cheeks growing red to match his burned lips and chin. “Well, I couldn’t exactly help it, could I? Stuff’s the temperature of the sun!”

“It is not,” replied the voice once more, “the temperature of the sun is approximately-”

Oh, god, help me, thought Timinon, feeling defeated as Katzan listened intently to the stupid facts being spewed by that stupid UrattaKnow device implanted into her stupid hand. He imagined what his brother would say.

“Ur gona blow ur chans wit dis grl, u n00b!”

Timinon’s brother was far more eloquent than himself, and so he chewed his lips (now charcoal flavored) and studied Katzan as if he hadn’t been sitting across from her for twenty-three awkward minutes.

Her shaven head, covered in a soft down of honey-colored hairs, contained two eyes (blue as Pluto), a nose (cute and studded), two lips (also blue as Pluto, and glossy, too), and perfect dimples that would have shown if she had been smiling. She wasn’t, though. She was clearly disappointed with the BlindDaterator 6000’s choice.

The rest of her appeared to be what Timinon’s brother would poetically label “ttly hott”. Timinon’s gaze fell idly upon her chest as his heart sank with the knowledge that he would never see what lay beneath that skintight, silver bodysuit that left no curve or crevice to the imagination.

Meanwhile, Katzan was shamelessly having a full-blown session of catty, girl talk with the palm of her hand, describing Timinon in great detail. “Bland brown hair, looks like his grandmother cuts it for free. His nose is massive, and he’s just so plain. He‘s not even wearing a skintight, silver bodysuit. I can‘t even tell if his abs are worth this tragic date.”

The UrattaKnow sympathetically sighed in disgust, and in her monotone speech said, “Now scanning your features and running a sample of your DNA… You are clearly a ten. You can do better than him. Just, like, pretend you have to use the restroom and ditch this guy, girlfriend.”

My, wouldn’t it be uncanny if a writer were to attempt to make a record of their first meeting and desperately needed a reason to drop a description of these two characters without them examining themselves in a mirror while getting ready for school?

“Ugh,” Katzan snorted with the grace of a 90-year-old man. “He’s staring at my chest.”

“Oh, no he didn't!” the device spat with synthetic enthusiasm.

Timinon blinked and shook himself from his daydreams of listening to Katzan's problems and bringing her breakfast in bed and walking through automated doors before her so she may be spared the awkward calculation of steps and fear that always arrives when one approaches an automated door. Yes, in Timinon's daydreams, this super-hot dame would never walk stupidly into a sheet of glass separating the inside of a building from the outside world!

"Terribly sorry," he mumbled. "I was just-"

"Yeah," she interrupted, "I know what you were just doing."

"She totally knows what you were just doing," said the UrattaKnow.

Confused by the presence of a real girl and complicated technology with a 16 terabyte chip imbued with female logic and internet access, Timinon made a mistake of galactic proportions- he assumed he understood what Katzan was talking about.

"Oh, well that's good then!" he almost laughed with relief. "I was beginning to think this date might be going nowhere, to be honest."

Katzan's face became disfigured with disgust. "What?"

Timinon once again imagined what his brother would do in this situation; "Seez teh momnt bro n dun b a ttl n00b." So much swag for a young space child of eight years! Why hadn't Timinon in his gawky fifteen years of existence acquired so much as a speck of this swag?

"Yeah, you know," he murmured, trying to emulate the sheer coolness of his brother. "I was thinking about... I mean... U wan go sumwar mor privit bby gurl? ;] "

It's safe to say that in the history of Uranus, never has there been a more explosive situation, but 4,000 miles away, trouble was brewing- trouble that could rival that of an enraged, sexy space girl and the power of a sassy search engine!


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Uranus is exploding and ain't nobody getting cake: SPACE DATE


Last edited by coke-lore; 3rd May 2013 at 10:04 PM.
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Old 3rd May 2013   #2
lilacofdamnation
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Default Re: Space Date & Other Assorted Tales

We will have ten babies. All of them will be named Fred.
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Old 4th May 2013   #3
zombie_j
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Oh. My. God.

Now we sit and wait for the swarm of little brats who get all defensive because they don't know how to describe their characters without making them get ready for school in the mirror.

I'm highly into this, and anyone who doesn't get it is just stoopit. OH MY GOD AND IF WE END UP MAKING THIS ONE A COMIC I GOT DIBS ON DRAWING KATZAN.
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Old 6th May 2013   #4
coke-lore
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Default Re: Space Date & Other Assorted Tales

:3

I'ma post the next part later.
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Uranus is exploding and ain't nobody getting cake: SPACE DATE

Old 7th May 2013   #5
sonia0009
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Oh my gosh! I love this! When I first started reading it I thought it was going to be boring but after the first two sentences I was hooked! Please write more soon
Old 7th May 2013   #6
-wowza
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Great story! Can't wait to read more!
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Old 7th May 2013   #7
coke-lore
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Quote:
sonia0009 wrote: View Post

Oh my gosh! I love this! When I first started reading it I thought it was going to be boring but after the first two sentences I was hooked! Please write more soon
<3 Thank you!! I get worried that stuff like this will get ignored for fear of being boring. Long live satirical sci-fi.

---------- Post added 7th May 2013 at 05:28 PM ----------

Quote:
-wowza wrote: View Post

Great story! Can't wait to read more!
Thank you!

---------- Post added 7th May 2013 at 06:46 PM ----------

Welp, part two commences!


Part Two: Meanwhile, Outside of Murica...

A spaceship and its crew are totally screwed.

“Captain! We’re totally screwed!”

“Not on my watch!” bellowed Captain Green. He puffed out his chest as he pushed some buttons and pulled some levers with an intense expression akin to the face of a man who has endured a month-long constipation! Basking in the praise of his crew, he… Wait, where was the praise? He glanced at the faces of the other people in the cabin, thinking to himself, Surely they are not praising my heroic acts because they are stunned by my brilliant button-pushing and lever-pulling!

A woman with a face like a shovel opened her gob and issued forth the most angelic man-scream to ever dance from the vocal chords of a lady. “But Captain! You’re not wearing a watch!”

Captain Green hardly flinched, as he pointed a hairy, muscled finger at Intern Joe. "Fetch my watch, boy! I must use this heavily outdated expression that simply has no impact if I do not actually have a watch upon my wrist!"

"But sir!" cried Intern Joe, "The ship is wrecking! If I may, sir, might I suggest that you say what you wish in an ironic manner so that the need for a watch is unnecessary?"

"I will tolerate no Hipsterism upon this ship, Intern! It was outlawed in 3492 when everyone finally admitted it was officially mainstream to be a Hipster! Now fetch my watch. And I'll take some coffee!"

Captain Green unbuttoned the top two buttons of his suit to show off his glistening chest. "Damn these otters!" he cried, breaking a lever clean off the console. "They've doomed us all!"

A particularly nasty explosion shook the Capricorn, sending the crew members tumbling around like toothpicks in a tin can. "Dear heavens, Captain! They've struck the cargo hold! We're going to lose-"

"Not on my w-"

"Intern Joe isn't back yet!"

"Fine, Officer Shuvelfase, I'll refrain from speaking until he returns!"

"Sir!" screamed the janitor, waving his mop in a manic fashion, "the halls are flooding with icing and batter! We've lost sixteen men, women, and children!"

"Sixteen of each?" shouted Officer Shuvelfase, "Or sixteen individuals who are either men, women, or children?"

"Does it matter?" hollered the janitor as another explosion left their ears ringing.

"It actually kind of does," replied Shuvelfase, taking a pen from behind her ear, "I had a bet going with Intern Joe!"

"Captain!" screamed Intern Joe, skidding into the room with coffee in his hands and batter on his shoes. "The Capricorn! She's going dow-"

"Sexist!" yelled the janitor. "What year is this, 4680? You can't just assume the ship is female! It's derogatory towards men!"

"Well don't bother filling out a complaint," came a cry from Shuvelfase that could put the skills of a Banshee to shame. "We're gonna die!"

"Not..." Captain Green huffed, lighting a cigar.

"On..." He tossed the match over his shoulder, where it landed at Intern Joe's feet. The batter baked at an unbelievably rapid pace, forming shoe-shaped muffins that would have been comical if not... Never mind, actually- it was still quite funny.

"My..." Shuvelfase hung her head and wept at the deliberately agonizing pace the Captain had chosen to speak.

Finally, slipping his bulky, child-sized hand within the golden band and clasping it shut, he flexed his sausage link fingers. "Watch!"

"Watch what?" asked Officer Fortwentee, taking a swig out of the Captain's coffee. He yawned and seemed completely unaffected as the crew was slung to and from by the force of more explosions. "What's everyone freakin' out about, man?"

"Otters, you fool! They've come for the cake!" cried Shuvelfase.

"Speaking of cake," grumbled Fortwentee, "Intern Joe! Hook me up with a muffin shoe!"

"Why in the sun's name did Capricorn Catering make that man an officer?" yelled Captain Green as he steered the ship (to no avail, but his teeth were grit and his muscles bulged a lot, earning him massive brownie points).

"His mother is a CEO!" replied Officer Shovelfase.

At this point, the ship was essentially a smoking ember of a cabin hurtling towards Uranus on a wave of raw batter. Intern Joe was the only one smart enough to follow the "What To Do If We're Totally Screwed" protocol, but he was too stupid to see that it was too late. The otters' ship was closing in, and in mere seconds, the crew of the Capricorn Catering ship would be overtaken.

Meanwhile...

"Fluffy, get off the console! Your're gonna crash mommy's ship! Yes you are, you cute little boo!" Jayelle, Captain of the Libratant, cooed to the cutest little otter you've ever seen.

Fluffy sniffed her fingers and nibbled her wrist, eyes glistening like giant black pools of some kind of really black, shiny liquid. Basically, he was freaking adorable. She scooped him up like a baby and spun her chair to face the mini-fridge beside the console, and there she retrieved for Fluffy a bottle of milk in a self-warming bottle.

Once fed, Fluffy made adorable milk bubbles and made sure to get them all over his whiskers, like some kind of mastermind of cute. He then allowed himself to be burped and laid down for a nap.

All the while, Captain Jayelle's windows were under a Shroud depicting peaceful Earth images of rivers and lakes, the otter's natural habitat. Insulated against the outside sounds of Deep Space, they drifted towards Uranus, happy and comfortable in their insulated pod.

Yes. Fluffy would make a fine addition to the Uranus Zoo Earth exhibit.

4,000 Miles away, in the station of Murica, Timinon was still not scoring with Katzan...
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Uranus is exploding and ain't nobody getting cake: SPACE DATE


Last edited by coke-lore; 7th May 2013 at 07:01 PM.
Old 8th May 2013   #8
sonia0009
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I'm still laughing, Lol. That was the funniest thing I have ever read. I love love love it!!! Continue please :3
Old 10th May 2013   #9
coke-lore
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:3 Thanks Sonia! I'll write more sometime in a few days. Got some editing to do for a friend and a few other projects going.
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Uranus is exploding and ain't nobody getting cake: SPACE DATE

Old 22nd May 2013   #10
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Hipsterism, Oprah, Man-feelings..Space! This has it all.
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