[obese]

Turns up that there is. Oh well, I can be pretty harsh at times, so this really is something that I should have done months ago.

[thc67]

Nah, every since you gave me your "harsh critique", I've been able to get more readers. First thing I realized is that people hate first person for stories. By the way, I know your name is Dylan, but I like your nickname. I'm always saying beast all of the time, so I relate your name to beast.

[cash1]

thc67 wrote: I know, I thought the same thing. I feel so bad taking up all of your night to read my material Cash. You're to kind.

Ah,but you're stories intrigue me alot by far. You're s and Sporks,along with Eli's and a few others.

[thc67]

Aww, I'm so touched.

[thc67]

Echoes of their laughter filled the house. Sarah decided to quickly slip upstairs to her room. Sitting down in her chair, the mirror seemed to mock her. Her beauty was to be wasted away. All the other discusting girls would envy her fine jewelry and fancy dresses. That wasn't Sarah's desires.
Laying down staring at the ceiling, her childhood was finally gone. A light knock tapped at the door. Betty entered the room, with some milk and cookies. Sitting up she grabbed a cookie. Anything that can for one minute, make her feel like a child once again, was comforting.
Breaking the comfort, Betty started to speak of George.
"Now I wanted to explain the rituals of the ceremony. Everyone will have a feast and joke of the night. You will be expected to fulfill a woman's role. You must greet all of the guest, charm them, and come up with small talk. You have to keep it swift, without being rude. Dance with the men, but not to close, you must seem loyal.
A priest will come to the room, along with us, nuns, maids, and the best man. The priest will give you to George, promising your innocence. The maids and I will undress you. You will look at each other. We will all witness, that you guys are completely satisfy with each other.
Than we will leave. The next morning you are to present a tainted sheet, to prove that you are innocent, and George was your first. We will feast with a great breakfast, with the sheet hanging behind as a banner. After that we will return home, leaving you at your new home. I'm so proud of you!" Betty said, kissing Sarah's forehead.
"I need my rest. I'm please to honor our family." Sarah said, and watched Betty leave.

[xoxo-callie-xoxo]

:] //Claps

[thc67]

Thank you Callie and everyone else who takes the time to read.

[glassheartsbreak]

Okay, I have a lot of critique. I hope you're ready.



This story is moving incredibly fast. Slow it down, add more detail. Make sure you use quotation marks, WHENEVER someone is speaking. And you use the word "threw", instead of "through".

"Threw" is a past-tense of "throw."

"Through", is the correct word.

In one part, the character was thinking, and you used quotation marks, and then you trailed off into narrating the story, in the quotation marks.

What time era is this in? Because I know Betty wasn't actually a name until the early 40's.
A nickname for Elizabeth.


Otherwise, I like it. : ]

[glassheartsbreak]

Oh, and whenever you write a story, make sure the beginning sentence is a hook, because it started off kind of boring.

[thc67]

I've always said, that the first line in a story, is the most challenging. Which, maybe, that's why I don't have my usual amount of readers. Those dam. Through and threw's are so annoying. Lol, I wil try my best to remember the difference. I'm glad you like it. When a character is thinking, aren't you suppose to make quotation marks, then put he or she thought? I'm not trying to make excuses for my flaws, but the meez readers have short attention spans, so I always find myself rushing to get to the good stuff. I appreciate your time. Thank you for reading.